Shaky shaky all over the world…
Well, here we are again. I’m guessing that since I’m starting to write down my thoughts again that I must be in trouble. A feminine flaw you could say. It’s not so much a nightmare, there is no slasher films rolling around my head for specifics (people, places or politicking) quite yet. I suppose I am just full of nervous doubt. Funnily or not it seems to coincide with yet another soundtrack release. I seem to be floating around the heather once more.
Your supposed to start out with a joke. So anyone, please? I guess this is going to be a long night.
What I keep asking myself if is what if there is simply nothing more to me, you, and life in general. I ask myself the question nightly (the time that does seem the hardest) will I be ok in the long run. I guess this is growing up and naturally there is a reflux to stay in the “comfort” zone that is child hood, no one wants to lose that innocents. The thing is you get a say in everything you do in your life, except that is getting older, it happens if you want it to or not. There is no Benjamin Buttons in this world and I for one find this hard. I suppose the only thing you can do is accept the fact and then choose to enjoy life and getting older. At the tender age of 22 you would laugh at the thought of thinking myself as old.
I look back now to leaving school, I think thats the time that the outside world met me. It’s weird to me that in my family setting I am the centre of attention or at least if I am in the right mood. The lights are very much on in that familiar homespace. But outside of that I was a very I suppose restricted individual. I say that because I had every opportunity to express myself, the platform was set in front of me. The sweaty palms and fidgeting boy inside me would ultimately come out. Then again don’t we all have the scared inner child inside me.
What I have noticed is that given time I will be centre of attention and that’s where I work best. The man in charge, the man with the plan. But the reality is that I could have all this without the time. I assume it has something to do with respect and acceptance in a social setting.
My question is this though; how come it is acceptable to earn your place in society but yet you can judge someone straight away. That leads to first impressions being key and as we all know you only get the one chance at that!
Now this isn’t a job for pharmaceuticals (if your keeping score I had to spell check that and only had the e and the u the wrong way around). I don’t believe in these artificial highs. When you look at all the highs out there it amazes me. Smoking, drinking, drugs just to get happy. Not for me thanks, I don’t think I would have a problem if alcohol was banned tomorrow – only if it was banned for everyone. As for the other two items in that intoxicating list I have never contemplated usage nor would I.
I find it quite ironic that I find solace in throwing my thoughts around this minefield of cryptic feelings. I see this as exactly the person I am. I am willing to tell someone everything without telling them anything at all. I am aiming to please but on the other hand couldn’t care less the outcome. It’s depressing and uplifting all at the same time. If I had a brick for every time someone told me I had to open up and “feel” my feelings I would have enough to build the great wall, or at least build a bridge to then throw myself off.
I see how people react to me over time and how my reactions change the longer I know someone. I believe that I am great at first but then the magic fades, pessimism is a choice and sadly thats where I lay my religion. It’s the way I have been for all my years. I constantly say I’m sorry but have never apologised. I make jokes behind your back but to your face I will tell you exactly what you want to hear. I have resisted so long to with hold myself that it just isn’t as easy as it sounds to change, and when you ask me to I will laugh in your face and then you’ll hate me again.
I feel though that there is someone or perhaps something that will make me feel differently. I go around like some toxic cloud bringing joy then pain to every girl I meet. I now have started up front telling them exactly what I am like, and how I act. The think its a joke but find out the hard way that it’s me who will get the last laugh. Does it make it OK that I can go onto the next one though, probably not but thats the last of my worrys.
I think I need to be supervised at all times just so I can argue that I don’t need supervision. The big bang is just around the corner for me I have no doubt, but again it comes down to choices, and at the moment I am choosing to stay stood still which means at this rate I will never get around the corner. I know that around that corner is the answer but at the moment I have no desire to listen to the questions. I am a cliche or cliches, but they all sound beautifully “miscrafted” or maybe its ultimately just me through and through.
You live and die on your decisions and at this point I am living to die…
