You were screaming no but your eyes and mouth said screeched yes. Nice guys finish last eh? Well if you didn’t know you do now that I am not a nice guy and maybe this is the payback for the things that I have done. I can’t complain the pros have always out weighed the cons. I’d hate to be on the flip side of that coin but naturally it seems that way for the time being. Even when the shoes are in separate houses its still the same story but for all the right reasons. I think that I am a person who fantasises too much and just need to lower my expectation so that they can be exceeded rather than the other way around.

Only at this point will I (hope) understand a love that I have known. It’s going down down at some point. But why can I not get this picture out of my mind? Is the quick sand going to be my coat of arms once more. It’ a shame but the killings lead to this.

What’s the next logical step, whats the next actual step going to be. It’s not a case of one step forward too steps back at all. In fact I think that I go sideways. Not standing still but not going backwards but not making progress either. The high tide is constantly around my neck but I don’t fear the dark now. The gravestone whisper can keep mocking me but the fever won’t reach my core. Is it time to fight back or not.

Shore lines all around the world with the many grains of sand, filled with people squandering lives in the best way possible. It is sure that for however I ‘feel’ at the present time that there are a billion other grains of sand in a worse situation, nor does that make my situation any less ‘kickable’ however much the pouring rain comes tomorrow. Fight back?

Pull the plug on this one is what should be done, the fact that I have two sinks both half full now is not good (God knows how I have managed to make a sink metaphor up). We all know there is nothing more to me. The empty space is a broken shell for now. De ja vu? What if that can’t be explained. I am annoyed to be in this position but feel much better equipped to handle it this time, no more spirals. At the end of it all we are all just carbon based. Consciousness cant explain these absurd demands however you fight it. Fight back?

I’ll leave you with this last thought for whoever is out there wondering just what I am on about: What if there is nothing more to me? If that is the case, is there anything more to you? Then is there anything more to us. We will be alright? Time to move on.

“Success is the best application of problem solving when there is a clear understanding of what needs to be done and goals have been set.”

Yes sir you can quote me on that HMNIM, 2010.

What makes me so different, the insides work the same…

Last night had an amazing up spot but still couldn’t get me interested long term. The same again today which is a shame because time is running out in both instances. What if we are just broken shells, I certainly don’t think we will be OK left alone tonight. What if there is simple nothing more to us. Is life just a quick slight of hand and there we just grow up to fade away? Let’s just slowly drift through these dead ends together. We won’t be “alright” this time…

I hate feeling like this but at some points over the last few days I have got myself into the white but that black, the darkness still lingers behind me. I don’t believe there is anything more to you and there is nothing left for us as an us. But I can get something special out of it if the work effort is right in the near future.

I find myself close to tears on a daily basis, the only problem being is that some days it is laughter and sometimes it is not what causes this. I just need to kick back, a change is due. I am not one of these people who believes in fresh starts however, it does make you wonder when you see these people make a new beginning only to return to the previous page only a short time later.

From my experience there is the new start and then you have the turning back periods. The predictable ones at 1day, 3days, 1-2 weeks, 1-2 months. Then for some reason any time after that I find is a waste. It is just a figment of a feeling.

I have tried (but failed) to figure out how many lives I’ve wasted waiting for the perfect start. I’ll kick tomorrow.

The last rights are surely on their own way around here somewhere, everybodies bleeding in some way or another and its good to see the people fighting back, even in the worst downpours, the commitment is worth reward but naturally that never comes.

Do you ever fear the dark impressions of your future. If you do its your own doing, your future is usually what you make of it in most circumstances. I am afraid of big words but that doesn’t  mean I won’t attempt to spell them.

For all those looking for a mystery in me I think you shall be looking for a long time. It’s a lot simpler than that. Consciousness cannot explain it though. We’re just carbon-based!

On a lighter note, if there is no point at all it must be worth enjoying these times alone. It think your fun but I expect nothing sort of thing. That’s just up my alley as long as it’s on my time. When I say. When I want it. When I need something else I’ll take this instead. Will anyone remember us, I think it is just going to end up as dust. Can you feel it, if you feel your feeling something that’s not there.

Anyways back on the ranch lets get down to brass tacks. Last night I had a dream that I was getting off the motorway in my car and looked at the speedometer and it was rising. Now this isn’t an uncommon occurrence for me but I’m thinking to myself, its probably time to start breaking soon. So a little further down the road and I’m still accelerating and thinking, hell if I don’t slow down, I’m gonna go straight past through the junction. Then I see a wall at the end of the junction, bad times, I really need to slow down but I just keep on going, then bang I hit the wall (and presumably die?). I’m lied in bed thinking wow I think I just dream died. It was a little nerve wrecking coming off the motorway earlier today let me tell you.

I did something today that I am not proud off. Well I suppose thats an understatement because I do something every day that I’m not proud of. To be honest if I could limit it to just one thing a day I would be a lot happier…probably. During my act I realised that again it feels right but if anyone knew it would be lets say more than frowned upon. Your just a fool for even thinking I could be honest, the ones reading this are just as much fools as they are judgemental and more than likely right in their judgements. There are so many more things I could be wasting my time on. I have indeed frustration and defeated nothing and everything. Just as I think it is time to change my ways something stops me. Today I see clearly but tomorrow I think it’s a bad idea. I guess I’m an addict, in fact an addict is actually addicted to something whereas I am not addicted to anything. If at all it would be great to be addicted to something, to give some reason, to materialise this mortality.

What I dream of is being told to sit back and relax as I’m took on a ride. It’s just simple maths. Let someone do the hard work and let me reap the rewards. But all I would be able to think about is that this person is in it for themselves, their are of course evil.

A hypocrite I hear you cry and damn right you are indeed. I have no arguments in stating that I am a hypocrite. Now I’m not sure whether or not I heard this somewhere or that I may have stumble onto something a little but more profound that I should be able to conjure. People with nothing complain about everything whereas people with everything complain about nothing. Now that is wildly inaccurate to say the very least but the case it was used in was spot on the money. What the subject was now is unclear to me and I will be happy to notify you in the future should it reappear anytime soon…

Your supposed to start out with a joke. So anyone, please? I guess this is going to be a long night.

What I keep asking myself if is what if there is simply nothing more to me, you, and life in general. I ask myself the question nightly (the time that does seem the hardest) will I be ok in the long run. I guess this is growing up and naturally there is a reflux to stay in the “comfort” zone that is child hood, no one wants to lose that innocents. The thing is you get a say in everything you do in your life, except that is getting older, it happens if you want it to or not. There is no Benjamin Buttons in this world and I for one find this hard. I suppose the only thing you can do is accept the fact and then choose to enjoy life and getting older. At the tender age of 22 you would laugh at the thought of thinking myself as old.

I look back now to leaving school, I think thats the time that the outside world met me. It’s weird to me that in my family setting I am the centre of attention or at least if I am in the right mood. The lights are very much on in that familiar homespace. But outside of that I was a very I suppose restricted individual. I say that because I had every opportunity to express myself, the platform was set in front of me. The sweaty palms and fidgeting boy inside me would ultimately come out. Then again don’t we all have the scared inner child inside me.

What I have noticed is that given time I will be centre of attention and that’s where I work best. The man in charge, the man with the plan. But the reality is that I could have all this without the time. I assume it has something to do with respect and acceptance in a social setting.

My question is this though; how come it is acceptable to earn your place in society but yet you can judge someone straight away. That leads to first impressions being key and as we all know you only get the one chance at that!

Now this isn’t a job for pharmaceuticals (if your keeping score I had to spell check that and only had the e and the u the wrong way around). I don’t believe in these artificial highs. When you look at all the highs out there it amazes me. Smoking, drinking, drugs just to get happy. Not for me thanks, I don’t think I would have a problem if alcohol was banned tomorrow – only if it was banned for everyone. As for the other two items in that intoxicating list I have never contemplated usage nor would I.

I find it quite ironic that I find solace in throwing my thoughts around this minefield of cryptic feelings. I see this as exactly the person I am. I am willing to tell someone everything without telling them anything at all. I am aiming to please but on the other hand couldn’t care less the outcome. It’s depressing and uplifting all at the same time. If I had a brick for every time someone told me I had to open up and “feel” my feelings I would have enough to build the great wall, or at least build a bridge to then throw myself off.

I see how people react to me over time and how my reactions change the longer I know someone. I believe that I am great at first but then the magic fades, pessimism is a choice and sadly thats where I lay my religion.  It’s the way I have been for all my years. I constantly say I’m sorry but have never apologised. I make jokes behind your back but to your face I will tell you exactly what you want to hear. I have resisted so long to with hold myself that it just isn’t as easy as it sounds to change, and when you ask me to I will laugh in your face and then you’ll hate me again.

I feel though that there is someone or perhaps something that will make me feel differently. I go around like some toxic cloud bringing joy then pain to every girl I meet. I now have started up front telling them exactly what I am like, and how I act. The think its a joke but find out the hard way that it’s me who will get the last laugh. Does it make it OK that I can go onto the next one though, probably not but thats the last of my worrys.

I think I need to be supervised at all times just so I can argue that I don’t need supervision. The big bang is just around the corner for me I have no doubt, but again it comes down to choices, and at the moment I am choosing to stay stood still which means at this rate I will never get around the corner. I know that around that corner is the answer but at the moment I have no desire to listen to the questions. I am a cliche or cliches, but they all sound beautifully “miscrafted” or maybe its ultimately just me through and through.

You live and die on your decisions and at this point I am living to die…